God is too big for me.
I said it.
Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my
enormous huge decent-sized tiny brain around the things I learn about Him. He is too big. Too great. Too much, honestly.
I recently read Jesus the King by Timothy Keller. It was one of those treasure-find type of reads. Every page I learned, re-read, underlined, starred, hearted, you name it. Phil started reading it this week. He told me he felt discouraged by it here and there because it left him feeling kinda spent~ like God is too much to take in sometimes...to understand.
Hello, gorgeous church-boy husband.
I totally get you.
And love you even more for admitting it.
Because I was hiding it.
Wrestling with it through the whole book.
Lying on the hammock outside, reading through a beautiful study of the book of Mark, I had every doubt possible enter my heart. The scariest and most unsettling being,
what if this is all just fake?
what if i spend my whole life believing in a God too great to breathe in...
and then just die.
and there is nothing
NOTHING waiting for me?
No arms to run into.
No eternity spent whole and perfect.
what if I am wrong about it all?
For starters, I was really relieved that I wasn't the only one thinking those things. Also, that Phil is honest and vulnerable like that~ he isn't too proud to say he is battling through something. That is why I just know God will do great things with him...he has that kid-like faith that is moving and wonderful and dynamic.
When a King is so great He overflows your heart and soul, the enemy will attack. He will create those doubts and agreements and fears... just little wedges here and there creating small shaky places. Hoping that eventually it will all come crashing down.
Knowing that is half the battle.
Preparing for it, battling it, refusing it.
He will flee.
I know I was created for more than this.
More than a lifetime feeling half whole.
We are all made for much more
than a 9 to 5 job.
than birthdays and holidays.
than lying in bed at night wondering if there is more than just this.
than the good times.
than all the bad times.
than the occasional vacation.
than a good job.
than a big house.
than ruined relationships.
than how we look or what we wear.
It is all a tiny part our eternity.
I think it takes way more faith to believe it is all for nothing~ just a random cosmos thing, this world-us-everything~ than to step into the light and believe we have a loving Creator.
Deep down, everyone is searching to be full.
To be whole again.
I choose Him.
I choose to cry out, 'Jesus I believe. Help my unbelief.'
I choose to ask for understanding...
For the capacity to believe there is a HUGE, loving God who made me...
And YES.YES.YES...loves me.
Tiny brain, shaking heart and all.
That is the hardest part, I think...The thing that creates that feeling of 'what if'...
How could He
There is greatness there too wonderful to grasp.
So my heart fails and I shrink into 'what if's.'
There are lots of beautiful things happening in life.
Snapshots of moments I treasure with my whole heart.
And I see my Father loving me generously.
I see Him laughing with me at Philly riding a bike through a crowded boardwalk.
I see him shaping Niamh into a quirky, funny, beautiful girl.
I see Him in our quiet mornings, the kids listening to gospel music while they color,
singing the words and not even knowing it.
I see Him in change.
In friendships made.
In Niamh's smile, rocking her afro, singing with her friend at a church concert.
In my heart, trembling in wonder, feeling the gravity of it all.
In Philly's innocent question after church last week,
"Why would Jesus die for us? I don't get it, mom. He didn't have to do that."
I love them.
They are always the ones that create the most friction in my life and change in my world.
God seemed too big in those pages.
The cross, too much for my splintered life.
But in it, even the doubting/fearful moments, faith grows.
When I am pleading for His help, I am moving towards Him.
God doesn't need to get smaller~
My heart for Him needs to grow larger.
And I LOVE what Phil told me.
When I feel overwhelmed by unbelief or by the greatness of God,
I just think about the change in my heart and life.
I know He lives in me.
I can feel that.
So I just tell Satan to get the hell out of here.
That must sting a little.
And being told to get the hell outta here.
I love it.