9.15.2013

Snapshots of Life~Faith~Doubts.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

God is too big for me.

There.
I said it. 

Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my enormous huge decent-sized tiny brain around the things I learn about Him.  He is too big.  Too great.  Too much, honestly.

I recently read Jesus the King by Timothy Keller.  It was one of those treasure-find type of reads.  Every page I learned, re-read, underlined, starred, hearted, you name it.  Phil started reading it this week.  He told me he felt discouraged by it here and there because it left him feeling kinda spent~ like God is too much to take in sometimes...to understand.

Hello, gorgeous church-boy husband.
I totally get you.
And love you even more for admitting it.
Because I was hiding it.
Wrestling with it through the whole book.  

Lying on the hammock outside, reading through a beautiful study of the book of Mark, I had every doubt possible enter my heart.  The scariest and most unsettling being, 

what if this is all just fake?  
what if i spend my whole life believing in a God too great to breathe in...
and then just die.
and there is nothing
NOTHING waiting for me?
No arms to run into.
No eternity spent whole and perfect.
what if I am wrong about it all?

For starters, I was really relieved that I wasn't the only one thinking those things.  Also, that Phil is honest and vulnerable like that~ he isn't too proud to say he is battling through something.  That is why I just  know God will do great things with him...he has that kid-like faith that is moving and wonderful and dynamic.  

Two things.

When a King is so great He overflows your heart and soul, the enemy will attack.  He will create those doubts and agreements and fears... just little wedges here and there creating small shaky places.  Hoping that eventually it will all come crashing down.  

Knowing that is half the battle. 
Preparing for it, battling it, refusing it. 
He will flee.

Second~ 
I know I was created for more than this. 
More than a lifetime feeling half whole.
We are all made for much more
than a 9 to 5 job.
than schedules.
than birthdays and holidays.
than lying in bed at night wondering if there is more than just this.
than the good times.
than all the bad times.
than the occasional vacation.
than a good job.
than a big house.
than ruined relationships.
than how we look or what we wear.
than yesterday.
and today.
and tomorrow.

It is all a tiny part our eternity.
I think it takes way more faith to believe it is all for nothing~ just a random cosmos thing, this world-us-everything~ than to step into the light and believe we have a loving Creator.
Deep down, everyone is searching to be full.
To be whole again. 

I choose Him.
I choose to cry out, 'Jesus I believe.  Help my unbelief.'
I choose to ask for understanding...
For the capacity to believe there is a HUGE, loving God who made me...
And YES.YES.YES...loves me. 
Tiny brain, shaking heart and all.

That is the hardest part, I think...The thing that creates that feeling of 'what if'...
How could He  
love ME.
want ME.
rescue ME.
There is greatness there too wonderful to grasp.
So my heart fails and I shrink into 'what if's.'

There are lots of beautiful things happening in life.
Snapshots of moments I treasure with my whole heart.
Pictures.
And I see my Father loving me generously.

I see Him laughing with me at Philly riding a bike through a crowded boardwalk.
I see him shaping Niamh into a quirky, funny, beautiful girl. 
I see Him in our quiet mornings, the kids listening to gospel music while they color, 
singing the words and not even knowing it. 
I see Him in change.
In provision.
In worship.
In friendships made.
In creation. 
In Niamh's smile, rocking her afro, singing with her friend at a church concert.
In my heart, trembling in wonder, feeling the gravity of it all.
In Philly's innocent question after church last week,

"Why would Jesus die for us?  I don't get it, mom.  He didn't have to do that."

Disruptive books.
I love them.
They are always the ones that create the most friction in my life and change in my world.
God seemed too big in those pages.
The cross, too much for my splintered life.
But in it, even the doubting/fearful moments, faith grows.
When I am pleading for His help, I am moving towards Him.
God doesn't need to get smaller~
My heart for Him needs to grow larger. 

And I LOVE what Phil told me.
When I feel overwhelmed by unbelief or by the greatness of God, 
I just think about the change in my heart and life.
I know He lives in me.
I can feel that.
So I just tell Satan to get the hell out of here.

That must sting a little.
Being Satan.
And being told to get the hell outta here.
I love it.

21 comments:

  1. Oh Krista I so hear your heart - and it is beautiful.
    Blessings
    Maxine

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  2. Krista, you are so right on base, The most Holy God, the Creator of the Universe, the One who was so passionately in love with you that He formed you into the beautiful person you are and then because of His overwhelming Love for you, He thought you were so awesome and valuable that He chose to go through it all just for you. You have tapped into the greatest treasure of eternity. Enjoy your ride with the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, because it is an absolutely amazing ride. And one the enemy is so so so jealous of. He blew it and we didn't :) blessings Sweetie, hugs, Cathy K

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  3. Hi Krista, In my journey with God I have felt as you do. A very special person with a wonderful spirit told me to just
    "Let go and let God".

    Open your eyes to His signs and wonders - watch him at work. It will take your breath away and He will show You, He is there. I no longer talk of coincidence, I prefer to use the word God-incidence.

    But it is when sad things happen in your life that you will know His presence the most and you will grow to understand and eventually, to know and love Him more. Sometimes He doesn't reveal to us why something bad happened in our lives until years later. Then, as we look back down the path He led us, we can clearly see why He allowed that thing to happen and are able to give thanks. God is in All things.

    Remember "God is the ABSOLUTE controller OF all things" He is so strong and so mighty that there is Nothing He can not do. And though it seems He far away at times He is walking right along side of you. So just let go. And let God.

    God Bless
    Christine

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  4. Almost every night I either wake up at 3am or go to sleep at 3am. Insomnia sucks. Or maybe it's God trying to stir things up in me. I've failed Him miserably in the last yr and I'm so ashamed. I don't know how to get myself back up. Each night I say a little thought (to Him) and BEG that he keeps us safe even though we don't deserve it. I ask that He somehow brings me back. To Him. To church. Something. And I wait. Nothing happens. Except every 3am's wake up call. I do my runs (chk my son, chk my phone, play scrabble and try to fall asleep). Tonight I came across this blog and by the middle of it the tears were clouding my vision. And I don't know why. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and books with us. Even if it only touches 1% of everyone who reads, it's worth it. I don't always comment, but I do read all your posts and the more you share, the less "dug in a ditch" I feel. I hope one day He gets me out. Maybe today. Maybe now.

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  5. You make my heart sing with the sharing of your journey...please continue on...the song is glorious! Thanks you.

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  6. Your writing, your heart and your journey to deeper, richer, fullness in who He's created you to be - is a continual source of delight and encouragement girl!!!

    LOVEeeee it all, and happy Sunday to you guys there! xx
    mel
    needle and nest

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  7. Rose D. Frenchtown, NJSeptember 15, 2013 at 9:42 AM

    I can't begin to explain how much this post means to me! It's everything I think but am afraid to admit. So beautiful. Blessings to you!

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  8. What a great post! It is all overwhelming sometimes, I often find myself wondering how is all this going to work out? I have to remind myself that it is all in God's hands and enjoy the moment. By the way I love the pictures especially the one with the crabs. Hope you have a wonderful day.

    Heidi’s Wanderings

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  9. Love this!! Thanks soo much for sharing. Sometimes I think we all wonder whether or not we are doing the right thing. But then I start thinking about ALL of the greatness that is GOD and the many blessings he has given, not just to me, but everyone. But it's not just about the blessings, it's his love, hope, grace, mercy, humbleness (if that's a word :-) )....just everything. So again, Thank You Krista for this post. Keep doing what you're doing and God Bless you and your beautiful family.

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  10. I am currently leading a Tuesday night women's bible study using Beth Moore's "Believing God". It is changing my life and my thought process. Disruptive books... I love them as well. I purchased your Ephisians 6 Armour of God image and am going to use it in this study. A gift to help the women in my study remember to put on our armour every morning and be prepared to see God work. It's not enough to believe in God, we must believe God will do what He says He will do.

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  11. Thank you Christa! Beautiful-and that we may share with you-awesome! God Bless.
    sherry107

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  12. I have been struggling with the same doubts this summer, they just pop in and out of my mind as I'm reading or studying the Word, and it's so comforting to read this post and the comments. It always seems to happen when I'm really wanting God to reveal more of Himself by spending more time in deeper study...that's when Satan really attacks, and he makes us think that we are the only one that doubts. ...even those closest to Jesus, who saw Him in flesh, had their doubts or denied Him. Thank you for sharing your heart here. :)

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  13. So, I never leave comments cuz I stink at thinking of what to say beyond "great post!" and "thanks for sharing!" but I just have to say a real heart felt thanks for sharing what is on your heart. I love your realness and your transparency and it helps me to wrestle with these same thoughts in my life when I know that somewhere out there someone else has these same doubts too. We're not alone, as much as Satan might want us to think that. So thank you. :)

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  14. I needed that. Thank you.

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  15. This is without a doubt one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. I truly understand the feeling of doubt when you are overwhelmed.

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  16. You just shared what has been on my heart so much recently, especially after a huge discussion about God's sovereignty. It's so much. There's no way to figure it all. I hate not being able to figure things out and that is when the enemy attacks. Thank you for being willing to share your heart so that my heart doesn't feel alone.

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  17. I am so glad I turned on the computer today and saw this post. My Mom passed to heaven on the 11th, and I have been lost and lonely since then. She was 81 and was very ill. I knew it was coming, yet, I am still trying to accept it. Your post warmed my heart. It's the 1st time I have been on the computer in 10 days. I guess I was supposed to see this.

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  18. Wow you made me smile when reading this, I have doubts all the time then I just take time to sit and think take in the bigger picture reading this was a must! For how I've been feeling of late xxx

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  19. Wow. This speaks straight to my heart.

    Sometimes God feels too big for me, too. I usually end up stepping back for a bit to "take a breather". But I'm learning that's not the right choice.

    I should be running towards Him, not from Him.

    When it all gets so overwhelming (and being a faith blogger, it often does get too big for me to handle), I take some time (a few minutes, hours, even days) to refocus and reconnect. To just sit before the Throne of Heaven.

    No words for prayer and worship. Just my soul taking in all the love God has to offer.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

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